I woke up this morning at 2:30 with my mind completely alert. After trying for an hour to go back to sleep I have decided that since I can't seem to get this off my mind that I will do this post.
Our sweet Hallie has sucked her thumb since she was 3 months old. At 18 months she started twirling her hair at the same time she was sucking. After her teeth moving dramatically and pulling out most of her hair on the right side of her head Zeb and I tried to get her to stop. Over the 9 months we have told her to "stop twirling" and "stop sucking" constantly in an attempt to get her to stop.
When we started telling her to stop it was a habit that she wasn't cognitively aware of. She did it without even realizing it (and still does some of the time). After a few months of telling her to stop she started announcing (with the sweetest smile), "I don't suck my thumb anymore!" And then about 45 seconds later it would be back in her mouth. She really didn't know.
After telling her for so many months to stop (and her still not stopping) she now tries to do it when we aren't looking. Friends and family have also told her, "don't twirl" and "don't suck your thumb, Hallie" as well to try and help us get her to stop. I have realized many things since then. When Hallie found out her primary teacher was moving she said, "Good." I was shocked. That is so unlike her. I said, "Hallie that wasn't a very nice thing to say." Her reply was, "Now she can't tell me to stop twirling." The way she said this was so emotional that I could tell how hard it was for her. She had loved this teacher but being told to stop twirling had affected her relationship with that wonderful teacher. I hope that no one reading this that has called Hallie on sucking her thumb or twirling her hair feels bad. I know you are all just trying to help us to get her to stop. Please don't feel bad.
Anyhow, now that she has been called on it so many times she is more aware of it. We wanted her to be more aware. The difference is now she feels like she has to hide it. This is not what we wanted. I feel so bad that we have made her so aware of it that she feels shame. It breaks my heart to think it is affecting her relationships with us as well as other people. I guess this is one of those situations where we wanted to help her so much and did what we thought would, but it hasn't helped and has only made it worse. It is really hard for me that she has been so affected by this. She is such a sweet little girl and I pray we haven't created any emotional scars.
I have learned that she will suck her thumb until SHE is ready to stop. I have talked to countless people that were thumb suckers and they all said the same thing. "Kids who suck their thumb will stop when they want to." This has made me think about a lot of things. We were put on the earth with agency to choose. No one is forcing us to choose one way or another. I can't make Hallie stop. I can only teach her and love her. Right now she isn't capable of understanding the reasons she should stop and isn't old enough to decide to. I could cry (and am) thinking about her being teased in school and all the things that could happen with this habit. But the bottom line is this,
I love her so much and don't want her to feel ashamed anymore. She shouldn't feel that way for this reason, at this age. She will stop when she is ready. Even if it is a few years away.
We have told her to stop for so many months that I think we have created a habit of telling her to stop. We'll have to break ourselves of that. So if you see her at church or preschool, (or in Utah if we visit this summer) or anywhere please remember not to say anything when her thumb pops in and her little fingers start to twirl...maybe give her a high five instead! ;)
14 comments:
Leah, wow, what a small world!! I do remember hearing your name before. Unfortunately I haven't convinced Lydia to blog quite yet. I will tell her that you found me though! What a cute family you have!!
oh, i'm one of those jerks who she was probably glad to leave at christmas time. reading this made me really sad. i feel really bad that i told her not to twirl so many times. she so sweet!!! i hate that i hurt her feelings.
I totally teared up reading this post. Hallie is such a sweetheart and I HATE that she has felt so bad about this. She is beautiful with her little pixie cut and braces can always fix her teeth if they move move more from sucking her thumb. You're right, we all need to just back off. I just had the worst realization. I probably won't even see you guys this Summer. I guess you know that I won't forget to hold my tongue. I love you all. Give the girls a kiss from their Auntie Stephanie.
Don't worry about the teeth! Sam's are awful because he sucks his thumb too and my brother (who is a dentist) says it can all be fixed!
Pee-
You are a great mom. Hallie is a little doll who KNOWS she is loved. This will pass. Kids adapt pretty quickly. She is a well adjusted child and knows you and Zeb and all of the rest of the family love her. I will never again utter those words!! But for now, don't make yourself sick over telling her to stop. You we're simply trying to do what was best for her. She feels your love. You are a wonderful mom. There is NO SUCH THING as a perfect mother. Only those who are willing to give their children their hearts and you have handed her yours over and over. Let it go! Love you, Ang
I had a kid in kindergarten who wanted to stop sucking her thumb and she did it. I think it's true that she'll stop when she's ready. I don't see anything wrong with it anyway. ;) I think it's cute. :)
Oh this made me cry! Poor Hallie! She is so darn cute! Just remember that you are learning too...You can't be too hard on yourself either! You were just trying to help her! You are a wonderful Mom! Keep your chin up! She will stop when she is ready!
Your a wonderful mother. I miss you guys. Thank you for the gifts. I really love the cloths they are adorable. Some day we will talk on the phone again.
Oh the guilt! Leah, you cannot feel bad about this. It will all work out in time, and one day you will all (including Hallie) laugh about it I'm sure. Don't let yourself worry about this too much-you're such an amazing mommy and everyone who has ever met you knows that.
Sweetie still sucks her thumb at night. It just pops in and she doesn't realize it. She rubs a 'silky' and sucks her thumb.
It's a coping/comfort mechanism and until she finds another way to deal with stress or is able to soothe herself another way she'll probably keep sucking.
Cutie Pie sucks her thumb too and at this point I just tell myself that braces can fix most of what they mess up!
When I start thinking about these kinds of issues late at night, I am always very emotional about them. When you woke up, took a deep breath, let in some sunlight, and looked at your sweet, healthy, happy girl, I bet it all felt better.
sweet hallie!! my little brother went through the same thing! You are such a good mom! no worries, it will all work out in the end!
We finally met up with Anna & Drew last week. The first thing Anna said when she saw me is, "I have a friend named Hallie. She likes to twirl her hair and suck her thumb." I told her I knew Hallie. She smiled and Anna said, "I can't wait to play with her soon!" When she said this I immediately thought of Mandy & Claire. Everyone LOVES the Fish Family!
I used to suck on my hair when I was little. My mom was so tired of asking me to stop she finally cut my hair. I looked like a little boy, but I did stop sucking on my hair!
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