Consumer Nirvana Continued

Lets begin this story with a quick synopsis of the surrounding facts. Leah and I recently switched our cellular service from T-mobile to AT&T – we were tired of paying for a service we were not receiving (this could be an entire entry). Because we are married and constitute a family, we signed up for a family plan. Apparently the man at the store thought that Leah was a polyandrist (think reverse polygamy) and thus signed up her second husband for a separate line of service. Perhaps this husband was also known to our credit card company and is our good friend Ceb. Perhaps I need to have a talk with Leah. At any rate, a quick math equation will demonstrate that 2 family lines plus 1 separate line equals three lines. If I’m not mistaken, I do not talk out of both sides of my face so often that I need a second line just for me. So, once we discovered the extra line, I called ATT and asked them to cancel the line. Like any diligent customer service agent (CSA), the CSA spewed gallons and gallons of apologies all over me, the problem was corrected, and we moved on.

Unfortunately, the change to the account prevented us from accessing our data usage online. Leah was in Utah at this time and she and I were texting each other, as well as several other friends and family. Concerned that we were going over our limit, I tried to check our data usage online, but it was not available. I also tried the 646 route on the phone, again, no luck. I called ATT only to learn that I had gone over by 39 and Leah had gone over by 178 messages. This leads us to our second math equation. 217 messages at .10 a pop gives us a total of 21.70 in overage fees. I told the CSA that I monitor my account online, and had the information been available I would not have exceeded my limit. Because the information was blocked, due to no fault of my own, I didn’t think I should have to pay the overages. She agreed, but told me she could not fix my bill at that point, because the bill was not yet available. Lame. However, she did agree to “place a commitment on my account to call me back.” Let’s pause for a moment here. What exactly does it mean to place a “commitment” on my account? To the customer service agent it means that they are scheduling a follow-up call so that they know to call the customer back. So why don’t they just say that! Agent: "I’m going to schedule a follow-up call to settle this matter.” Customer Response: "Thank you! That is quiet generous of you." Undoubtedly this terminology came from some higher up who thought that every customer would feel warm and cozy if the CSA used the word “commitment” when addressing a problem. Unfortunately, every time a CSA uses the word in a sentence it sounds completely ridiculous and misplaced. Sorry for that little side show; let’s continue.

At this point I decided that I needed to stop the texting madness. I’m sure this is a feeling that we will all have as our children grow to become teenage-freak-texting machines. So I asked the “committed” CSA if there was a way to block all incoming and outgoing texts. She informed me that there was a way and asked me if I wouldn’t mind waiting while she placed the block on the lines. The 80’s butt-rock ballads then began to rock my world as I waited on hold for this delicate procedure to be performed. Once successful, the CSA returned to the line and thanked me for how patiently I had waited for her. I was quite flattered – I am quite a patient waiter. She then informed me that in order to remove the block I would have to call back when the new billing cycle began and request the block to be removed.

At that point the call was over. However, despite the fact that the call had been recorded, the CSA was apparently instructed that she was to repeat every facet of our conversation just to make sure that she had “adequately addressed all of my concerns.” Again, undoubtedly, this was a suggestion from a higher up. Now I wouldn’t take issue with this procedure if it actually worked, but as we will see, despite this dutiful, and seemingly comprehensive repetition, somewhere along our journey down the yellow brick customer service road we were separated for a time and apparently she was off chillin’ with OZ.

Desperate for the capacity to text once again, I called on the first day of the billing cycle to have the block removed. My new CSA graciously agreed to remove the block so that I could get back to my addiction. Again, 80’s butt-rock ballads, and after several minutes a statement of sincere gratitude for my extraordinary patience. They really know how to flatter a guy. This is where the journey went south. “Mr. Fish, you do not have text service on your plan.” Now I’m not one that is prone to use profanity, but I was on the verge at this point. Apparently my last CSA, with all her flattery, wooed me into a false sense of affection and then completely took advantage of my vulnerable position by removing all texting service, instead of just blocking the service. WOW! This brings us to our third equation. Each phone had 200 text messages for a total of 400, add to this the 217 we were over and, without text service, you get 617 messages over. At .10 each you have a grand total of 61.70, plus tax. At this point the apologies were flying like cuss words on the Jerry Springer Show. And as you can imagine the sincerity was overwhelming.

Now I’m not going to do the final math problem, because apparently ATT is using some type of complex trigonometric-algebraic-calculus formula to arrive at our monthly billing rate. Suffice it to say that our bill is over 200 dollars.

And that, my friends is the “new AT&T, raising the bar." Apparently the bar had originally been set very low.